Humor

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become one of the world's great writers. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Bush Inaugural Theme Song (to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
I don't know the names of men I grill,
Or implications of the seats I fill.
But I do know who has paid my way. What a wonderful world this will be.

Don't know much about ecology.
Cutting trees has always worked for me.
And I don't know about the women's vote,
And I can't think of any bill I wrote.
But there's one thing that I know for sure,
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be.

I never claimed to be an A student, but I don't have to be.
If you have deep pockets and sell nuclear rockets, you're a friend of my family.

Don't know much about air pollution.
Don't know much about the Constitution.
Don't care much for solar energy.
There's nothing in it for my friends and me.
And if we can't find any on our soil
We can go to war and get more oil,
and What a wonderful world this will be.

Don't know much about the driving rules.
Don't know much about the public schools.
Don't know why the inner cities fail
Why can't folks get dad to pay for Yale?
And if the issues causing you to lose
Are never covered in the evening news,
What a wonderful world this will be.

I never claimed to be an A student, but I don't have to be.
If you have a brother who's the Florida Governor, the result's no mystery.

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
Don't know 'bout paying off a debt.
I never had to pay one off yet.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For special interests in the USA
What a wonderful world this will be.

Carol Gallivan
The Roulac Group
(415) 451-4313
709 Fifth Avenue
San Rafael, CA 94901

My Fellow Armenians, as I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.

Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets of Laredo."

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives.

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms: Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.

I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

=======================================================

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[Want a little more? Go to: Come and listen to my story....]


Re posting, Susan Friedman writes, "It's fine with me; I was just passing along to others what someone sent to me. I don't know the origin of the email, and I just believe that these email rebellions are very important to keeping alive the spirit of resistance to the stolen election."

Poets on the election
In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast in verse. But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of all-star poets have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.
For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?


Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
"'Tis a mess here," we all muttered, as the network anchors ... stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the more?
Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."


Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.


Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my knowledge is
What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya, Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?


Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.

Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O' Captain! My Captain! our
fearful trip's not done
The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won.


Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
When the campaign's a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry, "'Tis mine!"
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding,
Riding, Riding, A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.


Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card
I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.


Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:

'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.
Which leaves the problem:
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.


Susan Stanford Friedman, Virginia Woolf Professor of English and Women's Studies;
Andrew D. Weiner, Professor of English;
and Sonja Hansard-Weiner, MATC,
University of Wisconsin-Madison

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

          1. HIS FIRST NAME WAS JESUS.
          2. HE WAS BILINGUAL.
          3. HE WAS ALWAYS BEING HARASSED BY THE AUTHORITIES.

BUT THEN THERE WERE EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK.

          1. HE CALLED EVERYBODY "BROTHER".
          2. HE LIKED GOSPEL.
          3. HE COULDN'T GET A FAIR TRIAL.

BUT THEN THERE WERE GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH.

          1. HE WENT INTO HIS FATHER'S BUSINESS.
          2. HE LIVED AT HOME UNTIL HE WAS 33.
          3. HE WAS SURE HIS MOTHER WAS A VIRGIN, AND HIS MOTHER WAS SURE HE WAS GOD.

THERE WERE GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN.

          1. HE TALKED WITH HIS HANDS.
          2. HE HAD WINE WITH EVERY MEAL.
          3. HE USED OLIVE OIL.

THEN THERE WERE EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN.

          1. HE NEVER CUT HIS HAIR.
          2. HE WALKED AROUND BAREFOOT.
          3. HE STARTED A NEW RELIGION.

THEN THERE WERE EQUALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH.

          1. HE NEVER GOT MARRIED.
          2. HE WAS ALWAYS TELLING STORIES.
          3. HE LOVED GREEN PASTURES.

BUT PERHAPS THE MOST COMPELLING EVIDENCE ... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN.

          1. HE HAD TO FEED A CROWD AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE WHEN THERE WAS NO FOOD.
          2. HE KEPT TRYING TO GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS TO A BUNCH OF MEN WHO JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
          3. EVEN WHEN HE WAS DEAD, HE HAD TO GET UP BECAUSE THERE WAS MORE WORK FOR HIM TO DO.

[Fwd: ZNet Commentary / Tim Wise / White Deviance / Nov 3]

Date: Sat, 04 Nov 2000 12:06:59 -0500

Getting Serious About White Deviance:

An Open Letter to the Pioneer Fund

By Tim Wise

To Whom It May Concern:

 With great excitement, I recently discovered your organization's work for the betterment of mankind, through the applied science of racial research. As someone who has been investigating the disproportionately pathological tendencies of persons of European descent--whites in the popular vernacular--imagine my delight upon reading your Charter, which notes:

"The Pioneer Fund is committed to the proposition that people of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds are, on the basis of heredity, inherently unequal and can never be expected to behave or perform equally."

Gentlemen, I couldn't have said it better; and given our mutual interest in racial differences, I feel certain you will be intrigued by my funding proposal.

Just as your group has lavishly financed those whose work demonstrates the intellectual deficiencies of blacks, so too is it critical to examine the reasons for the disproportionate drug use, binge drinking, and propensity for serial murder that are the hallmarks of the Caucasian population.

Although it has long been known that roughly 90% of serial killers in modern history have been white, only recently has evidence emerged to illuminate the epidemic of substance abuse in the white community.

According to the Department of Health and Human Services, whites are 11% more likely to have used drugs than blacks and 25% more likely to have done so than Hispanics. What's more, recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and the National Household Drug Abuse Survey indicates:

--White high schoolers are 4.5 times more likely than blacks to have used cocaine; 3.6 times more likely to have gotten high using inhalants, like paint fumes or Liquid Paper; twice as likely as blacks to have used heroin; and six times more likely to have used methamphetamine. In fact, there are more white high school students who have used crystal meth than black students who regularly smoke cigarettes;

--Whites are 43% more likely than blacks to drink alcohol and 27% more likely to binge drink than blacks (consuming five or more drinks at a time), with white youth more than twice as likely as black youth to binge;

--Whites are 74% more likely than blacks to binge drink regularly (at least five times monthly), and white youth are three times as likely to do so;

--In fact, there are more whites who binge drink at least once a month than there are blacks in the entire U.S. population!
And finally:

--According to a private study, white college students consume three times more alcoholic beverages weekly than black students, are 65% more likely to drink to the point of being hungover, and 71% more likely to drink 'till they puke.

What's more, these white behaviors put others at substantial risk:

--Whites are almost twice as likely as blacks to drive drunk, and 15% more likely to do so than Hispanics;

--Whites between 12-17, are 34% more likely than black youth to have sold drugs in the past year;

--The annual cost of white alcohol and drug abuse is approximately $200 billion in escalated health care and law enforcement expenditures, as well as lost productivity;

--White males are 24% more likely than black males to have carried a weapon in the last thirty days; and white males in high school are twice as likely as their black counterparts to bring a weapon to school.

Could these overwhelmingly consistent examples of white pathology be mere coincidence? Or might they indicate a genetic predisposition to such harmful activities? Surely, the latter possibility is strong enough to warrant a massive research effort to get to the bottom of these phenomena.

Of course, the liberals will insist there are environmental explanations for white drug and alcohol problems. One can imagine them trying to blame two-earner white families for being too busy with their dot-com startup or landscaping classes at Home Depot to give their children the nurturing needed to resist drugs. But as the Department of Health and Human Services data indicates, white kids are 27% more likely than blacks to receive anti-drug information from parents, and 24% more likely to receive similar information in school, yet they just can't seem to put down their needles and pipes.

Though some will insist white alcoholism is environmentally-conditioned--what with happy hour at TGI Friday's and Chili's entrapping white businessmen and soccer moms to get plowed on Micro-Brews and Flaming Margaritas--in the end, I feel confident that scientific truth will prevail, and whites will be forced to take personal responsibility for their behavior.

As for the methodology I will use to determine if there is a white genetic predisposition to substance abuse, I have written to Phillipe Rushton, of Ontario to ask for his assistance. Having generously underwritten Rushton's work on black hypersexuality--which you'll recall he demonstrated by going to a shopping mall and asking blacks, whites and Asians how far they could ejaculate--you will no doubt appreciate my desire to include him in this endeavor. I propose that Rushton return to the mall and ask blacks, whites, and Asians how many bong hits they can do without choking, and how many tabs of ecstasy they can take before their eyeballs roll back in their head and they begin to drool.

And with help from the folks at the Genome Project, it should be easy to find not only the substance abuse genes in Caucasian DNA, but also those correlated with other high-risk, mostly white, and I dare say, pathological behaviors, like bunjee-jumping, skydiving, and body-piercing.

Best of all, this research could directly impact public policy. Currently, in part because folks don't know about disproportionate white substance abuse, law enforcement efforts are often foolishly targeted against blacks.

For example, although blacks are 14% of drug users, they are 35% of those arrested for possession, 55% of those convicted, and 75% of those incarcerated for drugs. In cities like Baltimore, Columbus and Minneapolis, blacks are anywhere from five to twenty times more likely to be arrested for drugs, though whites are the more likely users.

Even worse, the drug arrest rate for black juveniles has recently climbed by over 75%, while for whites it has fallen 34%, and black youth are 48 times more likely to be incarcerated for a drug offense than whites with the same record, even though evidence indicates whites will more likely re-offend.

By exposing pathological white substance abuse, my research could lead to a more efficient use of law enforcement dollars: instead of stopping cars driven by blacks, we could set up roadblocks leading into the suburbs, trailer parks, and gated communities where so many white addicts reside.

Sure, some will complain they're being victimized for "Driving While White," but like Dinesh D'Souza says, "rational discrimination applies the logic of predictive evaluation to racial groups," and "is not premised upon assumptions of biological inferiority." In short, it's nothing personal.

Additionally, we could drug test all white college students receiving federal financial aid, and raid their fraternities and sororities, suspending all subsidies to those testing positive for narcotics, or those under 21 who have been drinking. Unfair? Hardly: as D'Souza continues:

"...rational discrimination...can be fully eradicated only by getting rid of destructive conduct by the group that forms the basis for statistically valid group distinctions. It is difficult to compel people to admire groups, many of whose members do not act admirably."

Although Dinesh was talking about rational discrimination against blacks by taxi drivers, it only seems fair to apply the principle consistently, as I'm sure you'd agree.

Though this research might inadvertently cause prejudice and discrimination against innocent whites, unfairly labeled deviant because of their group's proclivities, the search for truth cannot be suppressed in the name of political correctness: facts are facts, and we must go where they lead, just as those intrepid scholars, Charles Murray and Richard Herrnstein did in The Bell Curve, many of whose sources were researchers funded by your courageous organization.

Yes, this is controversial. But my research would be in keeping with a Pioneer tradition, begun in the '30's when your group's founders imported copies of a Nazi propaganda film on race hygiene, for screening by American schools and civic groups.

Just as this film, "Applied Eugenics in Present-Day Germany," demonstrated the folly of spending money to keep the Rhineland's genetic defectives alive, so too could my research demonstrate the waste of pouring money into drug education in mostly white schools: after all, you just can't get through to some people.

It may be that nothing can wean whites from their insatiable appetites for drugs and alcohol. If so, then just as your founder, Wickliffe Draper, once said blacks were "genetically inferior," and "ought to be repatriated to Africa," so too will you surely be brave enough to call for a full-fledged "back to Europe" movement, so as to rid the U.S. of millions of narcotized Caucasian parasites.

As one of your grantees, Richard Lynn says, it might even be necessary to "phase out" inferior cultures: a prospect that might apply to whites if they're unwilling or unable to clean themselves up. Such is the price of progress.

So, I anxiously await your reply to my funding request. I have also contacted the Free Press (which published The Bell Curve and D'Souza's The End of Racism), since they seemed the natural choice to publish my research, once it is ready to appear in book form. I have even proposed a title: either The 'Saved By the Bell' Curve--named after a Saturday morning television show, popular with white kids (probably because they're stoned)--or the Bell-Bottom Curve: a satirical reference to the style of pants made popular in the late '60's and early '70's by whites (especially hippies and potheads).

I would appreciate any ideas you may have for the research or the title of this guaranteed best seller. Please respond quickly: the future of our country is at stake.

Sincerely,
Tim Wise

IN THE BEGINNING

IN THE BEGINNING God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.


[Received from Joan MacIntyre, of course.]

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