Humor (2)

I have recently learned that the following is thought to be a hoax. Nonetheless, it's just too perfect to resist.

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
“Come the millennium, month 12
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader.”

This comes to us via my cuz, Ellyn Zwickel:

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is:
          Xena-Warrior-Princess@westworld.com
          Elvis-the-King@westworld.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

8) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

10) Dont use any punctuation

11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

14) Sing along at the opera.

15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Folks, I'm sure some of you feel I've already crossed the line of bad taste on a Web site dedicated to peace and social justice, with all the Bush-bashing. It's just that it all rings so true. So please allow me just one more. I, Daniel B. Zwickel, take full responsibility for my postings. If you feel compelled to fire me, I'll understand.

Cuz' Ellyn writes:

"Thought you would get a kick out of this........
Who has the time to make all of this up?????"

(Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

Paid for by the Katherine Harris Foundation for corrective plastic Surgery.

HR

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